a conversation that never happened

*

hello…?
oh, hi there. what’s the problem?
um, nothing in particular. i- uh, i’m not sure.
it’s okay.
no, really, it’s like… i don’t know.
i’m listening.
i probably won’t say anything clear.
it’s okay.
…
…
…
…
…
…
… i…
…
…
…
i don’t know… where to start. i… i don’t know.
it’s alright. come here, sit with me. let’s watch something, this maybe, or play this.
i’m sorry to bother you.
not at all. i can understand.
i’m not telling anything, at the end…
… but you do feel better? don’t you?
…
don’t you?
… um, now that you say so… actually, yes.
that’s a relief!
it is indeed. thanks to you.
i didn’t do anything.
you listened.

*

ouch, my head.

feels like hell.

even now, the me that cannot be hurt still exists.

please know that, notice that, and respect that. it’s not that i am not trying. i AM trying. but i’m not as brave as the others. or maybe it’s just a way that others might not understand.

i’m scared.

ninoten, ninoten, my sweet ninoten.

a friend came earlier, and i introduced her to the man
whose face i stuck on a wall next to me. she laughed it off. who wouldn’t?

yeah, so i actually stuck a picture of a man i do not even know on a wall next to me so i don’t get all lonely when i wake up.

it’s true, bitches.

because sometimes, Ninoten couldn’t accompany me in bed.

the day before, i kissed Ninoten right when i woke up. i even nuzzled my nose to him. he was a little cold; probably because i didn’t let him have the covers.

tonight, i might share my cover with Ninoten. because it seems like it’s going to be cold.
i might play with him under the covers, i could secretly kiss him.

it calms me down. he calms me down.
he cuddles with me,
he plays with me,
he lets me kiss him and clutch into him,
he lets me take him anywhere i go,
he lets me play with him until i fall asleep,
he does not protest when my tears got him all wet.

Ninoten
is perfect.
he is all i need.

and all he’s missing is just a heartbeat.